The Biggest Postpartum Secret: Postpartum Rage

What you are about to read is something I never thought I would admit to my best friend, let alone literally any single person that clicks this post’s headlines. My words, my thoughts, my losses, my victories are raw and real here. I am writing this because a couple months ago I opened up on this topic of postpartum rage for the first time ever and instantly my inbox was FLOODED with messages from women literally ALL OVER THE WORLD saying “me too” and “I didn’t realize this even was something!”  These messages included women from other countries afraid to talk to people down to friends in my own circle coming forward as well. My breathing ramps up a little bit as I begin to talk about this for two reasons:

1) I still am a little nervous to share this, and 2) I’m frustrated. Postpartum rage is a real thing and it’s not talked about.

The Backstory

Two years ago my second born was a couple months old. Her transition into our family was a little rough for multiple reasons. My grandfather had just died, we had moved again and still not any closer to family.  My resilient independence I always admired about myself was quickly diminishing. I found myself drowning at times.  It was at this time, I began to experience anger in the worst way. I had struggled with anger in my life. It was something I was quick to admit but felt God had really been gracious in my life with and was helping me through. But, boom, motherhood and it hit again. This time it was the worst anger I had ever experienced.

A lot of that year is hazy but I can recall reaching octaves with my voice I am sure neighbors down the street heard, stomping my feet like my toddler did, and banging doors a couple times just to get my point across to a frightened 2 year-old and 6 month old. My eyes fight back tears as I write this in a Panera hoping no one glances my way. I would weep and beg for forgiveness at the foot of my son’s bed. The rage I experienced felt out of my control and would leave as fast as it came. It was like another person coming in and taking over for 20 seconds at a time. T

He only person who knew was my husband. I would ashamedly tell him what had happened that day and how awful I was feeling. To be clear, this didn’t happen all the time. It would occur maybe 1-2 times a month which honestly felt bad enough. (Please note, if this happens to you more often you are NOT alone either.)

My husband and I would talk and counseling would come up in conversation but I could barely wrap my mind around the idea of counseling. Counseling was for people with addictions and marriages nearing divorce. I definitely wasn’t that. I was someone who just needed to pray harder and read more scripture. And this is what I told myself for months. And for months I struggled. This went on through through my third pregnancy.

A Glimmer of Hope

During my third pregnancy though I heard about postpartum rage. A friend posted something online and I read it and said, “That’s me! This is an actual “thing”? I still didn’t hear much about it but did come across some articles and was able to identify this idea of postpartum rage. Also at this time I began to hear of people close to me going to counseling. People I admired and loved and were normal in my eyes. I began to allow the idea of counseling to take shape but finding the right counselor proved harder than I imagined.

Then my third child was born.  It was at this time a very unique opportunity approached me. I was asked to participate in a sharing loop on Instagram. It was about “things no one told me about postpartum.” For the weeks leading up to the post I zigged and zagged through the ideas of what to share and kept pushing this postpartum rage idea to the back of my mind. But it was there begging to be heard. I was so afraid people would write me and say “I can’t believe you yelled like that at your kids” or “What a horrible mom you are.” But with my husband’s gentle encouragement I pressed “post” and within minutes had women messaging me and saying “THANK YOU! I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE.”

The Real Problem Regarding Postpartum Rage

You see, the problem with today’s culture is that when you are handed your baby and leave that hospital or birthing center, IF you get follow up it is to see if you are dealing with postpartum depression. Are you sad? Are you miserable? Have you lost your joy? I would always answer those questions with “no” because I wasn’t. I found joy in the everyday still but had these horrible anger episodes every so often THAT NO ONE TALKED ABOUT.

Do you have any idea how many women are dealing with this? I don’t have statistics for you because I haven’t found any. But when I asked my midwife this last time about it, she said she knew it was a thing. So why wasn’t it on my mental quiz form? I still don’t know. But they encouraged me to see their in-house counselor to help me in case it happened again this third time around. Sure enough, a week before my scheduled appointment, I had an episode. At my first counseling session, my counselor looked at me and asked, “Why do you care about your rage?” I paused and choked out, “Because I am afraid I am ruining my children’s childhood.” The words stuck in my throat as I tried to get them out, but there was the truth and the reason I ultimately said yes to counseling.

Counseling and Medication

Obviously my views on counseling have since changed. I LOVE my counselor and ever since going I have realized how normal asking for professional help should be and yet we box it in. My sessions have helped in many ways. From just talking to gathering tools and methods to help myself when I can feel anger coming on.  I DO still struggle today with this but I have seen the truths I have learned in my sessions helping me currently.  I was never prescribed medication but I know it is available and for some people this might be a good option.

To Conclude…

I want to end saying that one of the biggest helps for me with this topic was just saying out loud. Being able to hear other women’s journeys and share my own and hear that I was NOT alone was powerful. Be there for other people. God has been so gracious over my family’s life and I am so thankful he is walking this journey with me. I never want to underestimate God’s role in my life. Allowing me to see this problem. Helping me find a great counselor. Being faithful to help me begin to overcome this.

Share your story, listen to others, rise together.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us,
Ephesians 3:20